Things We Don’t Owe Others … (and more)

As a recovered(ing) people pleaser, the process of being at peace with yourself, and relaxing the high standards of trying to please others, is a never ending process. But I’m growing, re-training my brain, and working towards healthy rather than accommodating. I’m actually rather intimidated thinking about putting this out there, as if I’m an authority on things we don’t owe others, because I am so far from it. BUT I’M TRYING! So allow me to present an absolutely non exhaustive list of things that are *finally* sinking in after 45 years of being on this planet. We don’t have to be prickly like a cactus, but y’all, here’s some things we don’t owe others …

• We don’t have to share everything. As a matter of fact, we don’t have to share anything that we don’t want to share. Being selective with information, especially feelings and energy, isn’t selfish, it’s protective.
• A word on excuses … “No” stands on its own two feet, and is strong enough to fight without our excuses for back up.
• We control OUR emotions, only, end of story. If someone tries to make you feel as if you’re the reason they can’t control their emotions, remember: not your circus, not your monkeys … And on that note ….
• NOBODY GETS TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU FEEL, HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL IT, OR WHY YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT ACCURATE or VALID. Well, they can, but you don’t have to wait around for that resounding red flag to become a glaring huge in your face “I told you so” sign. For realz.
• Those difficult people in your life, those that you’re pleasant to for the sake of keeping peace (I’ll still choose kindness um, usually, even if I don’t like you), you don’t owe them what you THINK you owe them. Yes be kind, yes, be respectful, and courteous, but daggone it no more catering to people that disrupt your peace or positivity. When you make the hard choice to be kind to hard to love people, it shows who you are; just close up shop when disrespected or demeaned, and remind yourself that you can absolutely enforce boundaries while still choosing the higher path.
• Don’t be SORRY. Along with people pleasing, this was my other worst enemy. I hightail it into chronic apologizer mode when my walls are up, or I’m in fight mode. Saying sorry all the time, accepting responsibility for things you know aren’t your fault, this is learned, BUT can be unlearned. I’m sure there’s science behind it, but honestly if you put the effort in to STOP the madness when you want to accept undue blame, you feel more worthy each time you let responsibility go where it belongs.

More likely than not, if you take the time to read my posts, you’re a) family, or b) one of my four friends, or c) someone like minded that makes the choice every day to be positive, as much as possible, without being anywhere close to perfect. Regardless, THANK YOU for reading, this is my dream, to contribute in tiny ways to a better human experience on earth. We can’t be sunny side up all the time, we have to feel and sit with all of our emotions, not just the happy ones. By giving ourselves permission to NOT OWE others, well, that frees us up to grow, which frees us up to pour into others, too.

With Sunbeams and Love,

Racheal Xx