When You Feel Like the Worst … Choose to be Kind to Yourself

Today, I forgot a friends birthday. Not unusual for me to forget something, that’s part of my daily, but to forget to wish a wonderful friend HBD, and to treat her as special as she has treated me for my birthday, well, I felt awful. I felt more than awful. And then, it began. What began, you ask? The negative self talk, how I really am the worst, and why would anyone want to remain friends with such a clueless, self absorbed hot mess anyhow. Then came the comparisons between the two of us, how she never forgets anything and has her stuff together in every way, and I’m over here barely able to remember when the last day of school is, what that extra thing on my grocery list was that I KNEW I’d remember, or a password to something I use on the regular. It also stirred up a ton of anxiety; decent people don’t forget birthdays, and here I’ve been thinking all along I had a great heart and showed it often, but surely I must have fooled myself for the last 45 years because I FORGOT A BIRTHDAY, who else have I hurt by not being smart enough to remember a simple date. VICIOUS CYCLE, friends.

This hit me so hard that I straight away sat down with my laptop, clickity clacking out this post, knowing I would push it out this evening, instead of how I normally mull over for several days before hitting the “publish” button. Why? I’ll tell you why. I have a voice, and I feel compelled to share my feelings, because someone out there needs to hear this: WE ARE NOT FAILURES for not being PERFECT. We’re not all the same, as a matter of fact, each of us is so incredibly unique. It’s time to embrace the things that make us different, rather than constantly ruminate on how we don’t measure up.

Mental health, self care, putting your authentic self out there, these are all trendy lately, right? If we are only spouting the phrases, and not actually following through with things that improve us from the inside, it’s all for show, and not healthy, really. Not everyone struggles with anxiety the way I do, the ways we react to anxiety are countless, and as unique and individual as each of us., if you don’t struggle with anxiety, and I know there’s a lot of you that don’t, then YAY for you, keep working on yourself anyways. But if you do, you WE need to practice being as kind to us as we are to others. I would never in a million years speak to someone the way I speak to myself. I’ve grown and healed as time has passed, and feel as strong, mentally, than I have for at least the past 10 years, but when things are tight and already heavy, I tend to dip into the old habit pot. If you looked at my right thumb, you’d see a struggle; fellow anxious people know what I’m talking about, right?

So I want to put this out there ….. nobody is perfect. And while it’s a great thing to hold yourself to high standards, we need to embrace who we are, not who we think we should be on the outside. Nobody else has walked in my shoes, or yours, and yes we all struggle with many of the same things, each struggle though, is (you guessed it) unique. What did I do, how did I handle my heinous error of forgetting a birthday? I apologized like crazy, and I meant it. I’m grateful she is understanding, and we can celebrate next week. But what I’m most grateful for is the opportunity to recognize, in myself, TOXIC behavior, and work through the feelings that brought me here.

I’m plain old me, just as you are you. I am a hot mess; I drop everything and forget lots of things; I’m unorganized, despite a very loud need for routine in my brain; and I talk too much and say awkward things. When I’m stressed, I apologize too much, and withdraw, because I tend to spill too many beans when it’s not the right time or place (or person, cringe). But I also see the best in others and point out their light; I feel emotions and connect in a way some don’t or even can’t; as awkward as I am, I usually have the right words for situations that need empathy and compassion; and I make it a point to speak kindly and pass out compliments like they’re going out of style. These are things I should celebrate, and I know YOU have lots of things to celebrate, too.

My point is ……. dang if we don’t all need to practice compassion and grace with ourselves. Take deep breaths, pray, meditate, search inside for who you really are. I’m not going to lie, I had to do some fancy footwork in my brain to ground myself so I could move forward ….. and that’s not wrong, ridiculous, or weak, that’s actually the opposite, STRONG. Recognizing areas you can improve, and putting the work in is the bravest thing anyone can do. You do YOU, embrace your flaws, imperfections and weirdness. Harness the energy that comes from an anxious mind, seek healing and release when you can. My PSA for the moment, nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes, and we ALL deserve kindness when we need it the most. (Unless you’re a crappy person, in which case you wouldn’t have made it to the end of this post without rolling your eyes, calling me fake, and finding a way to point out my flaws even more, but that’s for another day =)

With Sunbeams and Love,

Racheal Xx