Not a hugger. I’ve pretty much embraced that philosophy for a while now, even though I can’t readily pin point the moment when it began. I mean, I’m gracious but cringe-y if you go in for a hug, and it’s always awkward, and I never initiate. Kid hugs are always welcome (my kids, not yours, #SorryNotSorry), because mine read me like a book, and know when I need a hug versus when I don’t. I’m tee totally sure a solid handful of people, if they were to read this, would nod their heads in agreement and consider me prickly, like the cactus on my shirt, and wholeheartedly declare that I am, indeed, not a hugger. But hey, that’s fine, because those are the people that most likely had a hand in my current anti-hug stance, amiright? I’m really NOT prickly, though, I’m deeply generous with grace and kindness, I just don’t willingly throw around physical touch like Starbucks throws around PSL’s in the fall.
But here lately, I’ve been craving ….. connection, deeper connection. As humans, connection is essential to thrive, even for introverts. At work, I’m always on the lookout for ways to connect with members, and more than that, to connect them with other members. It’s a perk of working for such amazing people, having the pleasure of seeing community in action, and knowing I have a very small hand in that. Connecting at work is easy, applying that to my personal life, not so much ….
Connecting is hard for me on a personal level, despite the fact that I come off as a people person. Building and maintaining strong defenses protects fragile or tired energy, you know? If there’s a lot of baggage you’re in the midst of unpacking, not connecting is a better choice than being …… vulnerable and open. Real talk is if you want worthwhile connections, you have to be real, and the hurdle is that when you feel your “real” is too much for others, you pack it back up. Then you convince yourself that any something that makes you feel vulnerable, the connections or physical touch (insert whatever your thing is), feels too heavy to hold, so you shove it in a corner because vulnerable is ridiculously hard. If you’re still reading, I’m sure you get me.
I share heavy stuff sometimes because I’ve learned over the years that when I use my voice for difficult feelings and/or experiences, it empowers others to do the same. Connections are difficult for feel-y people because we absorb ALLLLL the energy, and if it’s not good energy, we retreat deeper inside (where it’s safe). Protecting energy is a defense mechanism, and if we consistently don’t feel good juju, or feel objectified with physical touch, inside we go and cut off the not-so-favorable energy straight from the source. It’s easy, too, to stay in that place of retreat, even in safe spaces, we feel cozy and secure with our walls that keep our light inside.
So, I’ve happily shrugged off hugs for years, and I’ve been OK with it … or have I? (as oldest child would say in a super dramatic fashion) But here’s the beautiful thing …… even if you’ve felt one way for a certain time, you don’t have to stand by that until death. Part of upgrading yourself is honest self reflection, figuring out what works and doesn’t work anymore, and then adapting to build up, rather than tear down. Am I upgrading? That’s the plan! If you’d asked me a couple years ago, that answer would have been a timid “I don’t know” because it felt safer not to grow. Now, I have a tremendous desire for growth, and it might be painful and awkward, but it will also be lovely and igniting.
There’s a level of intimacy in every connection, every touch, that feels deep and scary, but somehow the non hugger in me is ready to step up and move forward. The heavy clouds are moving on past, the sun is coming out, and I know at any moment there’s going to be a rainbow. So, can a non hugger still want a hug, or dare I say become a …. hugger? Absolutely, friends, we can change up to become better versions of ourselves at any time, no explanation needed. Keep upgrading and growing!
With Sunbeams and Love,
Racheal Xx
